he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
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