Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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