its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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