sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
I had to dust off the condom box before she came over..
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