I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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