FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
