i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
