She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
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