After last night, I could never be a politician.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
She told me I should be a condom model.
No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
