Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
