So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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