I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I love random hookups in covid sex. Usually girls think me about a one and a half to a two and a half but now that I got this mask on I'm a Solid 6.
Randomize
