I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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