when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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