Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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