He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Randomize
