My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
