you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
