Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
is that a dick in a sweater?
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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