You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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