she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I just smoked pot in front of my old Elementary School. It's like my Childhood and Adulthood are coming together in this awesome thing.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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