i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
