if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Viking lives by an ancient code of honor that we do not understand.
What code could that possibly be? Bothering the fucking shit out of people while being physically repulsive?
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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