Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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