I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I just want to make out with him forever
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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