take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize