took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Found the puke drawer
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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