I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize