Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
