I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
Randomize
