Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
