My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
We just started our own DARE program: Drugs are really enjoyable.
Randomize
