So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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