He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
you didnt know i had herpes?
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
