I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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