If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
