What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
