In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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