after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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