dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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