my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Randomize
