I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
Randomize
