So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Randomize
