I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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