I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me
Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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