just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd
lock that shit down
We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
