saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Randomize
