there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Randomize
