I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
