why didn't you poke me back
She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
Randomize
