Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
