i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
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