Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
