I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.
You literally just made my flesh crawl.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
