I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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