I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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