I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
send nudes
from the living room?
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
