Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
you win again, gameday.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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