so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
