upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Randomize
