Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
